Revelations

I don’t know why you touched me so.
We met only once, but there was a spark,
a tiny flame that so rarely ignites for me.
You felt immediately kindred,
in a way that most never do.

And so I clung to you.
Hopeful,
wishful,
but also senseless.
And when words are all I have,
I hang on every one.
I see false messages between lines
never meant to exist.

My head knows this is unfair to you.
Who am I to expect so much?
After all,
my standards are more shallow
for those less important to me.

But I wanted so much from you.
I wanted to be chosen.
I wanted to be known.
To be deemed worthy
of interest and pursuit.
To be added to the ranks
of your numerous loves
would have been so validating.

And so I pined.
And then I pushed…
too far, it seems.

Your silence deafens,
screaming bitter words
about my stupidity,
my immaturity,
my inexperience.
Your rejection burns,
scalding the surface of my fragile ego,
revealing long-buried reminders
of my inadequacy.
It has been so long
since I’ve faced such a blatant dismissal,
that I had forgotten
how torturous it could be.

And yet somehow,
I still hope.
My heart leaps with each new message,
praying that it’s you,
back to tell me that I was wrong,
that you haven’t discarded me.

Then my pride chimes in that no,
I deserve more than your crumbs.
I am worthy of more
than your convenient attention.
“You can’t fire me… I quit!” she says.

But I don’t want to deny you.

I thought I was past this,
this need for external validation.
I thought I had grown,
become strong enough
to no longer require anyone’s approval.

But you have exposed me,
laid bare my true self,
my inadequate,
unpopular,
unworthy essence.
You have uncovered the child who remained
huddled,
shivering
against the cold wind of rejection.

Perhaps you were meant to.
Perhaps this was your purpose,
not to love me, as I wanted,
but to reveal my remaining weaknesses.

So… thank you.

Thank you
for the temporary warmth
that your spark provided.
Thank you
for sharing your perspective.
Thank you
for the growth you have inspired.

Heartbreak will find me,
whether I invite it or not,
so I might as well enjoy the high.

Advertisements

In Real Life: Week 12

Can you believe we are already 12 weeks into 2018? Time is flying, and I, for one, am enjoying the ride.

It’s been super rainy again this week, but these blossoms make it all worth it.

We all have the opportunity for a new beginning.

Irish car bombs for Robbie’s birthday! Complete with Pato cheesin’, as usual.

Then we headed to The Catalyst for Flogging Molly!

Everyone is Irish in the pit at a Flogging Molly concert.

They said it themselves: “Everyday is fuckin’ St. Patrick’s Day.”

They were hilarious and badass and their music was studio-quality.

The pit was a blast, too. Everyone knocking into each other, people crowd-surfing left and right, random punk chicks planting kisses on me as they pushed their way back to mosh. I came home covered in sweat and beer but utterly happy.

It was the most fun I’ve had in a long time.

And now I’m itching to go to more shows just like it.

I’ve really always wanted to be a punk chick, with bright pink hair and heavy eyeliner and a septum piercing.

But I’ll settle for my dark auburn locks and hidden tattoos.

That light, though.

“Don’t bother me. I’m napping.”

Rob made some epic scalloped potatoes this week.

The leftovers made a fantastic hash with scrambled eggs later, too.

Sneak-photographing my love with fun IG filters.

My turn. Meow.

Do you see the heart?

A short birthday ice cream date.

I have similar feelings about Cup of Noodles.

Staying entertained at the doctor’s office.

Ermagherd, breathe right strips!

Found this poem on Instagram and decided I loved it so much that I had to sketch it.

I seriously love the little collapsible pour-over setup Jill gave me for Christmas. It’s so much better than Keurig coffee at work.

Jack takes his Mumford and Sons very seriously.

Kitty in a window.

And now it’s back to the grind! Have a great week 13, friends!

Take a look into the past…

2017 Week 12

In Real Life: Week 11

Happy Sunday, friends! Let’s take a look at week 11…

It’s been a rather gloomy week, here in the bay.

Seeing the fog in the trees still takes my breath away.

Grilled fajita salad for a BIG win.

This boy has been super lovey lately. Can you believe he’s gonna be 5 this year? Seems like he was a scrawny stray kitten just yesterday.

Back in the office this week.

Also dyed my hair. I’m pretty happy to be rocking my original brunette again.

There is always something beautiful to look for, even in the drizzle.

You just have to pay attention.

My umbrella got a lot of use this week.

This pretty much sums up each of their personalities.

I had a couple of hours to myself and 4 overripe bananas. It had to happen.

Night moves.

Welp. Guess I’m not moving.

I was super happy with this homemade breakfast.

Rainy days call for soup. It is known.

What a cool guy.

Somebody at the gym is a fan of Fox News and it drives me crazy. /barf

Some days I swear he thinks he’s a dog.

The lavender is in bloom. Hallelujah.

MO HEE TO

My heart. ❤

We spent the weekend at Mountain Ranch.

It’s the first time I’ve been back since Don’s memorial.

I believe he’s still here. ❤

It was also St. Patrick’s Day!

The streams were full.

I love the sound of running water.

There was also the tiniest dusting of snow on the north side of the mountains.

It was so nice to look out at the lake this morning. I could get used to that.

I want to be as comfy as this elephant.

And now it’s back to the grind! How was your week 11?

Have a great week!

Take a look into the past:

2017 Week 11

In Real Life: Week 10

Happy Sunday, friends! Here’s what our week 10 looked like…

Teasing Pato that I have Idaho Spud bars and he doesn’t. Neener neener neener!

The work cafeteria killed this chimichanga situation.

Spring has arrived here, in California.

He looks less and less like a baby every day.

So close… ugh!

Getting some much need introvert time

Happy hour ambiance.

Peace be with you.

Lifting the fog.

So that’s how the fairies get in!

Waiting for Grandma!

Mama’s little bean-eater!

Next stop: the beach, of course!

Tired baby isn’t so sure about this.

But Grandma sure is!

It’s always so nice to have her here.

Blue bear needs rest badly.

Date night!

Anxiously waiting.

Morning after vibes.

Adventures with Grandma continue!

I’d have the same shocked expression if I were made out of pennies, too.

Who, me?

I guess I don’t get to watch the movie after all.

Succulent hunting.

Mom and I sat through a traditional Chinese tea ceremony. 10/10 would recommend.

I see you.

It’s been fun to show her some of my favorite places.

Yes, please.

Porch cat.

And that’s a wrap! How was your week 10?

Much love,

~Jess

Take a look into the past:

2017 Week 10

In Real Life: Week 9+

Hello, friends! The blog is a little late this week because I spent all weekend visiting family. But never fear! I still have plenty of photos to share. 🙂

Java java java

California love.

Went to see Black Panther last weekend. It was SO GOOD.

The theater had an epic ceiling.

They also sold candy IN BULK. Where has this been all my life?!

Tacos for two.

Killin’ leg day.

Occasionally I have a good hair day.

Progress update!

Parenting is hard.

Walking to clear my head.

Sometimes a good belly laugh is all you need to turn the day around.

Rockin’ that full lotus like a lifelong yogi.

“What are you looking at?”

The magnolias at work are still blooming.

I’m still obsessing over them.

Time for a brain break.

Spring vibes.

Get lost.

All aboard!

Leaving the bay.

Sometimes you have to get creative when trying to entertain a toddler on an airplane.

My grandpa has been sick. We’re not sure how much longer we’ll have with him, so Jack and I went to visit.

No matter how the next year turns out, I’m grateful to have had the opportunity spend some extra time with him.

Life is a constant circle.

Grandma was pretty excited to see Jack again, too.

Homemade popcorn + butter + powdered sugar. You won’t regret it.

Hometown haunts.

I love that the Flying M kept touches of the garage it used to be.

Love that red espresso machine.

“Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing is a field. I’ll meet you there.” – Rumi

#Idahome

These made me laugh.

Love this idea.

If you’ve never had one, you’re missing out.

Headed back (home?). I still think of Boise when I say the phrase, “I’m going home.” Still can’t quite claim California yet.

And that’s a wrap! Have a great week 10!

Take a look into the past:

2017 Week 9